I haven’t been writing as much as I intended. I sometimes use poetry to record something of what I am feeling. This is as a message to my future self. Read into it what you will. Today I shall ramblingly describe how I see things at present.
As far back as 2007, before all the real shit hit the fan, I began to believe I suffered from depression. I was pretty jocular about it at the time. I barely had an inkling of why it might be so. Subsequently I was diagnosed, treated and medicated.
I am off the medication now, but perhaps I should still be taking it. Depression is easily concealed, at least I seem to manage it. Not much point in doing otherwise. The rare times I have confided my state I have at least half the time been told I just need to cheer up, forget the past and get on with life. That is a little like telling someone with broken legs to just get over it and walk it off. Ordinarily walking might actually help, but with these osteo-arthritic knees and being overweight, I can’t even do much of that. It hurts. Pain sucks and I try to keep it to a minimum, even though I have demonstrated to myself time and again I have a high pain threshold for physical pain. I am no longer afraid of anything that I can think of that might hurt me physically. I don’t avoid it if it is inevitable. Yet I don’t seek it.
I don’t believe I lack courage. However, emotional pain still causes me grief and occasionally sends me into a fugue. Like arthritis, it never goes away.
So. Not exactly living the dream. I put up a good front on Facebook, but it is not as great a life as I’d hoped I’d be living in these last years before retirement. Even so, the Shire of Halls Creek is a good place to be employed. The country is beautiful, and I love travelling through it.
As with my first year in Katanning, I have few friends here and I’m afraid I’ve let my depression get out of hand. I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and playing the what if game. Not sensible, and fruitless. I know that!
The main thing is the job. The challenge kept me focussed for a while, but it’s difficult to describe what I am combating here. Call me Sisyphus. Worse third-world conditions than in the third world, greed, apathy, ignorance. Above all, apathy. It is hard to keep up the enthusiasm. An entire culture has been broken, does not have the ability to repair itself and no longer trusts anyone who might be able to help. Can I blame them – having learned what I have?
It may not be a problem much longer. Word is that funding for my position is highly likely to cease in June. I am not sure I even want to fight for it.
I am beginning to doubt that even the little progress I have made actually counts for anything.
I have no idea what to do next, or where to go. I am tired of being alone, a stranger in a strange land, but I don’t know what to do about it. I am saving as much as I can but it does not amount to much. I only know that I do not wish to return to anywhere I have already been. You can never go back. I shall have to be a stranger in another strange land.
I miss some things rather badly. Principally the ocean. I have never been so far from it, and never fully appreciated until now what a strong influence it has had on my life. It calmed me, kept me entertained and I do believe it kept me sane. Even in Fiji.
If I can ever afford to retire, I hope it will be by the sea with a small yacht or cabin cruiser that will have a berth to sleep in.
On the plus side, I hope to get the girls over here for a visit in the New Year, possibly around Easter, I can show them the country I am enjoying. I am really looking forward to that.
I am heading up to Broome tomorrow for a few days. Just to be by the sea. And to stock up on some of the more hard to get or esoteric grocery items and of course, on booze. Up there I am not restricted in what I can buy on any day and therefore don’t have the problem I do here, of having to drive a 720 km round trip to Kununurra just to buy one bottle of spirit or one carton of beer per day. I can get all I want.
This may or may not turn out to be a good thing.