The medical industry is abuzz this week following a controversial announcement by Dr. Baemi Nilam Yoo, a medical researcher at the Nambanaen Hospice for the terminally ill.
Dr. Nilam Yoo claims to be the co-author of a paper revealing a recent breakthrough in cancer research. He says the paper is being suppressed by Big Pharma. Shortly after his first public announcement, Dr. Nilam Yoo vanished without trace. Before disappearing, he made the following statement to our reporter;
“We were working on a study into improving pain alleviation drugs and stumbled upon something quite extraordinary” he says.
“There was a small kitten at the facility, and it would often come and sit with a patient as we were conducting trials on the most appropriate pain relief. We noticed something odd about the patients’ dose requirements and found a correlation between the presence of the kitten and the dose required for the patient to report feeling comfortable. We then embarked upon a study using as many kittens as we could get hold of. There was a definite statistically significant correlation between the number of kittens purring on a patient, and the amount of analgesic required.
Kittens are expensive to keep, so we reported our preliminary findings and sought funding for a more in-depth double blind clinical trial. The study was the biggest of its kind and took over a year. It seemed very positive at first, and then things became even more interesting. In retrospect our big mistake was not paying closer attention to who was funding the trial, because things became awkward as our results became clearer.
We reported that, in general, where three or more kittens attended the patients, dosages required for effective pain relief were reduced by as much as 47% in a significant proportion of the terminally ill. It was at this point the sponsors seemed to become reluctant to continue the trial. Then they did a quick turnaround, increased the funding, and made us all sign a confidentiality clause added to the contract. I suspected they intended to suppress the results of the trial, but things suddenly became even more complicated. We found that some of our terminally ill patients were recovering. Excited, we increased the kitten dosage, and found that if five or more kittens were with a patient for eighteen hours a day, 73% of the patients went into full remission of symptoms, regained mobility, reported no pain and considerable cheerfulness. Examination revealed their tumours had shrunk significantly, or had disappeared entirely.
It seems we had serendipitously stumbled onto a cure for cancer! A cure that required no drugs, irradiation or surgery.
Once we reported this we were shocked to learn that our funding had been cut and the confidentiality clause had been invoked. It seems that kittens cannot be patented and the market supply cannot be controlled. We were all threatened with ruinous legal action if we revealed the results of our trial, and there were dark hints of something worse that could happen. Most of my colleagues have families, and were easily intimidated, but I am single and despite being followed around by shadowy figures in dark coats and sunglasses, I am determined to reveal the truth. There are lives at stake here and money should not prevent them being saved. Kittens cure cancer. It is as simple as that”.
Our reporter attempted to verify Dr. Nilam Yoo’s story. He confirms there was a facility called Nambanaen Hospice but reports all records of its activities have disappeared, as have all the patients who attended for treatment. Our reporter was unable to find any living person to verify the story. Shortly after filing his report he also disappeared.