Anxiety

Here I am still, staying in the Single Person’s Quarters in Halls Creek and turning up daily for work at the Shire.  I am dividing my time currently between helping out my Youth colleagues and standing in as Shire Environmental Health Officer, as they currently don’t have one.  The temptation is to return to that position and give up my new career path. But somehow I am reluctant.

The team is planning to come with me down to Billiluna soon and make an effort at cleaning out my donga and returning it to a habitable state.  I want to do that, and I want to get back with my community kids. But I have to own up to feeling a bit anxious about that too.  I don’t want to be reminded of what is gone, and I don’t want to discover more missing items. On the other hand I have been wondering about some things I did not check on, that might actually still be there.  I am almost afraid to find out.   I want to be resilient and get on with it. I also just want to run away.  If I could afford to.  It would be nice if could actually retire.  I think.

This spell in Halls Creek has confirmed in my mind that I was actually happier as a youth worker than I was as an EHO.  But will I continue to be?

How can I get over the trust issues?  Although I sincerely believe, or at least hope, that it was not community members who did this thing, it is impossible to believe that absolutely no one in the community was aware of what was going on.  At least two adults, probably a couple, stayed at my home for more than just a day and night or two.  They removed enough stuff that they had to leave with a car full of swag.  Even if they were from another community and passing through, they had to have been visiting someone and someone had to know where they were staying.

Apart from this, how am I going to cope without the comfort and satisfaction of my favourite knives and cooking utensils, and those personal things; knickknacks and memorabilia that made the place home, and reminded me who I am, where I have been and the things I have done.  If I go to the expense and trouble of replacing even only the essential things how can I feel secure enough to leave my home for a weekend or a week away?

Judas Thaddeus only knows.  Add a spot of anxiety to my depression diagnosis.

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About Alan

Settling into my 7th decade and still determined not to grow up too soon.
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One Response to Anxiety

  1. dayvebnz says:

    I think i can understand exactly how you must feel and quandary you face. As you said originally “things just things” – but trust is a another matter altogether. I think my initial reaction would have been to give the finger and bugger off. As you say, someone must have known what was happening – and twice?? As much as they appear to appreciate what you do and react positively to your face I suspect you will always be just another white outsider – hard but true.
    If you were in a position to to progress to the next stage of your plans – grey nomad -itinerant locum then I would seriously look at it. I think you would be embraced by this different community, one that is transitory but inclusive none the less. Just my thoughts my old friend. I am often thinking of you and wishing there was something I could do to help. If there is then please please let me know.
    cheers. Dave

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