My advice on letting go your inhibitions and and kicking through the leaves:
Anywhere else; do it.
My advice on letting go your inhibitions and and kicking through the leaves:
Anywhere else; do it.
My blog entries have slowed to meanderings and I have fallen by the wayside. Re-reading my old posts, especially some of those on my first blog, made me realise that sometimes in my writing I was almost achieving what I once aspired to, but I am not any more. An old friend’s Facebook posts recently have driven home that she is a better writer than I and indeed a better person with a more interesting and worthwhile story to tell. She should be writing a blog.
I feel I am at a dead end. My life has been one of neophilia and hodophilia, the love of new things and of travelling to new places. I believed, or told myself, each new adventure in a new location was also a way to do something good. Maybe it was. Maybe it was actually just running away from old places. Most of the major moves I have made have been after events I would rather forget.
That raises another disturbing thought. I spend a lot of time remembering things I would rather not, and trying to remember things I cannot. Odd. Mnemophobia is a word that means both the fear of memories of past events and fearing memory loss caused by mental illness such as Alzheimer’s. The irony of the duality in that word, and in my current frame of mind, is not lost on me. I have already written that one of my greatest fears is Alzheimer’s. I have also written, sometimes obliquely, of the memories I wish I did not have. Then I remind myself that I am writing this blog principally for some future me so I might remember.
I watched Hunt for the Wilderpeople on Google Play last night. I really liked the movie. I never read the Barry Crump novel on which it was based, but Taika Waititi made a gun movie from it. Not flawless, but so very very kiwi and so very entertaining. One of few films that can make me laugh out loud, and one of many that can make me weep. What was interesting was that it was not the poignant heart-rending scenes that caused the latter reaction, but two simple things – or perhaps three; Kiwi humour in a kiwi accent, and the New Zealand bush. This made me realise something. I think I may be homesick.
I pondered this for a while and this morning I think I have pretty much come to the conclusion that as soon as I have a few more grand stashed away, I am going home to retire. Maybe next year.
These are four of my favourite New Zealand photos. Each a pleasant memory.
Back on the Pregabalin. After a couple of days the woozy lightheaded feeling passed and I regained my faculties. I also lost much of the chronic pain I was feeling before. Clearly the doc was right and it was originating in my back, not my legs. Science is a wonderful thing. I still feel the grating pain in my knees, but it seems less debilitating and I can walk further now. With the use of my beautiful crocodile and snake carved walking stick from Solomon Islands I am venturing around the community more. The uneven ground is why I need the stick. A misstep causes me to stagger and nearly fall when my knee gives way. There are no paved surfaces here.
I have set up a gym kitset on the deck outside, and in the evening when it is a little cooler (and when there is no one around to watch) I do a few upper body exercises for half an hour or so.
The problem with walking and exercise in general here is that the temperatures are now already reaching 40 degrees C during the day and will soon be going higher. Neither Zeus the dog nor I are overly keen to venture out in the blazing heat. Neither are the children after school, so I am having a fairly quiet time. I see some of them for a while in the evening and we talk about the things they want to do, and what we shall do soon but they are not very interested in my company once they learn I can no longer take them out bush or anywhere else in the troopy.
We had an edict from on high a week or two back advising us that we were no longer to transport anyone in the back of the troopies and only one passenger was to be in the front passenger seat using the lap and diagonal seat-belt. It seems that liability issues are catching up. I know Northern Territory has already outlawed the troopy with sideways seats in the rear. Lap only seat-belts are not acceptable either. It has always been a concern with me, and I have always driven most carefully whenever I have youngsters with me anyway. The consequences of harming someone are unthinkable.
I have always known my main value to most of the youngsters was that I was a means of transport for them to get to the bush for bush tucker or to the lake for a swim and to football games. I hope I can re-engage with them once I have all the new toys and kit I am expecting. Meantime I guess I have a little time on hand to get on with my study for Cert IV in training and assessment. I have now completed successfully six of the papers. Four to go.
As a diversion I am spending half an hour a day learning Irish. For no other reason than it is the greatest challenge I can think of at present. And because it is a beautiful sounding language. And because otherwise I would probably go spare alone every evening here. Doubling the dose of my fluoxetine has certainly helped me to cope better with that.
On the wildlife front, the King Brown snakes are out and about. There are quite a few young ones recently hatched too. There are bush turkeys gathering in expectation of the plague of locusts that will likely hatch as soon as the rains set in and the vegetation starts growing again.
Almost like the Lost Weekend.
No snakes came out of the walls, no bats flew around my room.
But I had some really weird dreams and I was pretty much incapable of doing normal things without being clumsy. I walked into walls and felt disoriented. On the up side, I felt none of the usual leg pain. That was remarkable. It was actually a pleasant buzz and I sort of liked it. But I was fully aware that I was not in operational mode and should not, for instance, be driving a vehicle. The GP did not mention any side effects like this when she prescribed this medication. I learned about it on the web.
Maybe the GP did not anticipate my reaction at the dose prescribed. Perhaps I am sensitive to this drug, or the other medications I am on interacted in some way.
Whatever, this morning I still felt a bit wonky so after tending to the laundry, feeding and playing with Zeus, I spent much of the day in bed enjoying some more weird dreams. All a bit surreal, if not psychedelic.
Before I did I spoke to the neighbours who were up early raking up leaves in their yard. They asked how I was and I told them I was still a bit stoned and told them why. My natural honesty and frankness coming out.
It may be coincidence, but shortly after I spoke to the neighbours, the boss called on the phone. I told her about the state I was in and why. She was very supportive. I promised to get back to normal before I drive up to town.
I shall not be taking any more of these pills until I have spoken again with the doc.
When I was 16 I had a similar experience taking some medication prescribed by one Dr. Ogg at the Bexley clinic in Remuera. He was supposed to be curing my stammer. I know he started me on Mogadon, then switched me to something else. I don’t know what it was; the pills were stamped with the letters OCPA. I was stoned out of my head for months until Peter Gruebner, my form teacher and subsequent friend and role model, contacted my mother to say the school thought I might be a drug addict. She flushed the pills down the loo. I went through a difficult withdrawal period.
Mind you, I never stammered while I was taking those pills.
I was riding a 250cc Triumph Tigress at the time. FSM only knows how I stayed alive.
I did not like giving them up though. The withdrawal was difficult. I don’t remember much about that time, except while coming down I had a fight with my brother for some reason I do not remember and smashed my guitar over his head. That ended my future as a rock star and set me on a different path. I never did learn to play. A tragic loss to the world of music.
That is not going to happen again.
For the first time that I can recall, I am noticing some side effects of a drug I am taking.
(EDIT) it was not the first time. see my next post.
Since I have been taking pregabalin I have been having visual disturbance, drowsiness, lack of coordination, and the not unpleasant feeling of being stoned (or what I think being stoned would feel like if I had ever been stoned!). When I sleep I have weird dreams.
Despite the fact that the pain is not bothering me, I think I had better stop taking the pills until I have another chat with the medic. I have to drive to Halls Creek on Sunday afternoon.
A long session with the visiting GP and a young trainee doc yesterday afternoon. Over an hour. I had a full ECG, blood and urine tests. Results to be discussed in two weeks time. She increased my antidepressant dose 100% and added a new drug to my regimen; Pregabalin, for neuropathic pain. It seems that most of the pain I feel in my knees and legs is actually caused by the degeneration of my spine. I checked on the web and learned Pregabalin is also indicated for a few other conditions, including generalized anxiety disorder. I wonder if that influenced her decision to prescribe it.
On the upside, here in the outback all this is free including the medications.
Breakfast: Caffeine plus.
This is Zeus, my Staffordshire Bull Terrier, given into my care by a friend. I have had him for a couple of weeks. Zeus is coming up to three years old as far as I can tell, and is nutless. He likes fetching his piece of knotted rope, or a tennis ball. He chases the dragons, but hasn’t yet caught any, I am pleased to say. Nor snakes, so far. He has adapted well to life out here. He is a great guard dog. He comes from a civilised background and is a good house companion. At night, Zeus sleeps on a big cushion beside my bed. He knows he is not allowed on the bed.
He does not chew the hand brake in my vehicle, or other possessions, like certain other dogs I once had. He is not greedy and he is pretty responsive to my commands, though I still have to teach him to walk at heel, sit, stay and to come at once when called, without coaxing.
Today for the first time he accompanied me down to the basketball courts where he conducted himself in exemplary fashion. The community dogs were curious but not particularly aggressive, and he showed them how a civilised dog behaves on a lead. He seemed ok with the children though I am not sure whether they were all ok with him. Some of the locals call him Arnold because he is without doubt the stockiest, most muscular, best fed dog they have seen. I have allowed him to be given that name. and let them believe he is a cheeky dog because that is what I hope will keep my garden hose and fittings from being stolen yet again when I am not around and he is.