Pain

I can’t stand the pain
Spondylosis
Pinching back vertebrae
I can’t stand the pain
Knee arthritis
‘Cause I’m not who I used to be
Hey bloody knees
Tell me, do you remember
How sweet it used to be
When I could walk for miles
Everything was groovy
Now my joints are grating
And that’s one sound
That I just can’t stand
I can’t stand the pain
Of spondylosis
Aching thighs, aching knees
I can’t stand the pain
Of gravity on me
‘Cause I’m not who I used to be
When I was a young man
Everything was so grand
Now that I’ve grown old
There’s just one thing
That I just can’t stand
Can’t stand the pain
I can’t stand the pain
Of my leg muscles
Taunting me with memories
Of when I could walk free
I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t walk far
Unless my walking stick’s with with me
When we are together
I can make it round the shops
Like Woolworths. Oh sweet memories
But it’s just so wrong
That I just can’t stand
I can’t walk alone
Without a trolley to lean on
I can’t stand the pain
The spondylitic pain
That just keeps on haunting me
Hey hey pain
Get off of my back, please
‘Cause I can’t stand the pain
I’ll jump out a window
‘Cause I can’t stand the pain.

A List.

In my opinion. Best SF Films of all Time
A list. Not in any way to be considered definitive. The list is in no particular order. It would be impossible to objectively rank these movies. Chosen because they came immediately to mind and because aside from being well directed and performed they were well written and had great special effects for their time. Also they contributed to human philosophy and weren’t just cowboys and first nations in space. So you won’t see Star Wars here. Alien just squeaked in. I tried to choose ten, but settled for fifteen. Correction , eighteen
Ok, twenty one two. There are more, no doubt, that should be on this list. The not-so-subtle racism of Planet of the Apes probably should keep it off. I’m open to debate. Either way, I just mentioned it.

The List

  • Metropolis – the 1927 original
  • Blade Runner
  • Blade Runner 2049
  • Gattaca
  • Predestination
  • 2001 A Space Odyssey
  • Twelve Monkeys
  • Moon
  • A Clockwork Orange
  • Ghost in the Shell (original animation)
  • Brazil
  • Solaris (1976 version)
  • Back to the Future – all three
  • Alien – although it is really a gothic horror set in space
  • Aliens – maybe… after that the franchise went awry.
  • Gravity. Some far-fetched plot devices but otherwise almost perfect. Stunning soundtrack.
  • Forbidden Planet (1956)
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
  • A Boy and His Dog

Oh, and one more. Special mention:

I Married a Monster from Outer Space (1958) – Because it is the first SF film I ever saw. I was probably ten years old. It stirred my imagination. When I saw it again years later, I realised it was remarkably underrated as a B Movie. In 2001 I noticed a distinct similarity to its plot in The Astronaut’s Wife, which, despite having Charlize Theron, does not make my list.

The Beautiful Blue Danube

Sometimes I wonder about how my mind works. My neighbour’s morning coughing spell today sounded to me like The Blue Danube.

Cough, cough, cough, cough cough

Cough cough, cough cough

Cough Cough cough cough cough

Cough cough cough cough

Cough cough cough cough COUGH

Cough cough COUGH

Cough cough cough

Cough cough

cough cough

AHEM

Johann Strauss II

Gave me an earworm.

Idiots.

I see a lot of quibbling on the internet and in letters to the editor about the current bushfire crisis. “It’s not really climate change that is the cause; the fires were started by youthful arsonists; by lightning”. Yeah, whatever.

How the fire starts is irrelevant, whether it was from a badly placed barbecue or a deliberately thrown Molotov cocktail matters not one whit. There have always been bushfires. Sometimes really bad ones. Some deliberate, some accidental, some natural. The point is that the conditions are now more and more such that once a fire starts, it’s increasingly, damnably hard to put out and spreads through the dry vegetation at an alarming pace that much of the wildlife and few humans on foot can outrun. The fires spread further and faster, and it is climate change that caused these conditions. Arguing against this scientifically established fact is not expressing an intelligent opinion, any more than maintaining that the sun, moon and stars all revolve around an earth placed squarely in the centre of the universe.

When science has established facts beyond doubt and has all the data necessary to prove it, there is room only for discussing the finer details of how globing warming may affect different geographies and circumstances. No way to say it is not really happening.

So I feel free to mock the deniers just as I would flat-earthers, creationists and iridologists. Because they are provably wrong. I don’t usually resort to the ad hominem because it is an admission of failure. However, I admit freely that I fail to understand how people don’t understand how science works.

Prove me wrong if you can. I’m willing to change my mind if the evidence is there. Lay it out.

The First Cup

I would have given you all my Oolong
And I know you like to drink tea that’s strong
But I’ve just drank up all that I had
So if you want, I’ll try to brew again
Baby, I’ll try to brew again, but I know
The first cup is the weakest, baby, I know
The first cup is the weakest,
And when it comes to making coffee, he’s cursed
When it comes to making tea he’s worse

I still want you to to try some Earl Grey
Just to take the taste of chamomile away
And I think you should give chai a try
So. If you want, I’ll boil the jug again,
Baby, I’ll put the kettle on again,
but I know, oh
The first cup is the weakest, baby, I know
The first cup is the weakest
And when it comes to making coffee, he’s cursed
When it comes to making tea he’s worse

Thesis Proposal

They are strange creatures. I have studied them for some time, and still find their behaviour inexplicable. Despite almost constantly killing each other in various Skirmishes, battles and wars, anywhere, and at any time, around their planet, they rarely eat each other, even after mating. They don’t even eat their own young, although they can catch them easily.

Their genetic code differs greatly from ours. I have been unable to learn anything from those I have eaten. Thus I must learn from studying their behaviour, a task that seems dauntingly difficult.

They have no claws or ovipositors, but have developed an astonishing array of synthetic weapons with which to attack each other.   So far I have not determined the criteria on which they base their decision to attack, nor on their choice of weapon, which ranges from sharpened objects of various types and hand held projectile throwers, to extremely large mobile devices, having cooperative crews of many individuals and capable of throwing  projectiles and explosive devices over a great distance.

This interesting social construct of cooperative communities is a most alien concept, difficult to grasp. It consists of numbers of individuals, from small groups to large area-wide populations, and of any gender working together to construct habitats and also to craft these various devices with which to attack each other. In some areas, these attacks are ritual in nature, and death rarely results. In other areas whole communities attack and slaughter other communities, with devices designed to make holes in vital organs, or to disintegrate them entirely.

How they learn the skills required without eating each other I have yet to discover.

How individuals decide to cooperate with some, yet attack and destroy other groups, I have been unable to determine. It may involve territoriality. There appears to be some form of genetically coded ritual involved. They may not be able to consciously choose, despite the appearance of rational behaviour on occasion.

A difficult ritual to understand, from my perspective, takes place on designated pathways where individuals or small cooperative groups enter various forms of mobile device and ritually pass each other at high speed, apparently seeking suitable prey. These pathways cover most of the land mass where terrain permits and cross territorial boundaries.

At seemingly random intervals, somewhere along these paths one device will crash into another, or into some feature of the environment. This may result in injury or death of some or all participants. For some reason, survivors rarely attempt to finish off and eat any others still alive. In fact they cooperate to ensure any injured or damaged individuals are taken away to places where they can be repaired.

It is this custom of repairing themselves that I find the most inexplicable of all. After doing their best to kill and maim each other, they then go to great lengths to to repair damaged individual survivors, rather than eat them. Without that, how do they learn from each other?

How the individuals who carry out the repairs are able to restrain themselves from eating those damaged ones needs to be studied further. Perhaps they use some form of inhibitor to suppress the natural cannibal instinct. They may be a separate sub-species genetically primed to repair rather than attack. If their genes have somehow combined with those of the general population, it may explain the strange dichotomy of behaviour planetwide. How it helps with the continuation of the species will take considerable further study. I may be witnessing some new evolution of the Survival Directive.

I shall not return to mate and be eaten until I have incorporated a satisfactory explanation of the above phenomena into my matrix.

Midnight Feast

Article 365 of the International Code of Gustatory Regulation as ratified at the European Federation of Food Science congress, 2012, states:

Food eaten between the hours of 23:50 and 00:10 shall not be counted towards the Calorific count of either day .

Who knew that Stilton cheese came with cranberries?